Sexuality

Sex: a three-letter word you’re probably really uncomfortable talking to us about. We don’t blame you; we’re not looking forward to the conversation either. But if we don’t talk about it with you, we’re going to do so with someone else and the information they give us might not be the most accurate. Puberty can be a really confusing time for us: our bodies are changing and we’re suddenly flooded with hormones that make us feel very different.

To top it all off, our peers are going through the same thing and it’s causing us all to start acting differently. This experience can be pretty distressing if we’re not prepared for it and don’t know what’s going on. We need you to help us by telling us that this is a normal part of growing up and by giving us access to the information and resources we need in order to make healthy decisions. If we know what is normal and healthy and what is not, we’re going to be better able to take control over our bodies and recognize negative situations for what they are.

Talking to us about sex

As a lot of you have probably noticed, we youth are being exposed to mature topics at younger and younger ages. Part of the reason for this is that the media (television shows, movies, magazines and websites) geared towards us talk about these topics a lot more than they used to. Another part of it is that we’re plugged into the media a lot more than we used to be: 94% of us have access to the internet at home, 68% of us have access to a cell phone, and the majority of us are regular texters (Media Awareness Network). Because of this, you’re going to have to start talking to us about sexuality (among other topics) at a younger age than you may have first learned about it. Here are a few tips that will make this process much less embarrassing and more meaningful for all of us:

Give us age appropriate information. It all depends on what school we go to and who our friends are, but we’re going to start wondering about how babies are made around the time we start elementary school. At this age, we don’t need to know about birth control options and STIs (sexually transmitted infections), but we do need to know that our bodies are our own and no one has the right to pressure us into doing things we don’t want to do. When we’re a bit older and hit puberty, it’s time to talk to us about the nitty gritty details that come with being sexually active. Don’t dumb it down: we’ve probably heard a bit about this stuff already in health class and from our friends.

Prepare us for the physical and emotional changes that will come with puberty. Our bodies are going to grow, thin and fill out, and grow hair in different places. Some of our voices are going to change, hormones are going to flood into our brains and affect our feelings and emotions, and those of us who are girls will get our periods. We’re going to experience physical symptoms of being physically attracted to others. And if we have no idea why all of this is happening, we’re going to think something is very, very wrong. The Kids Help Phone has great fact sheets on these topics for both girls and guys, as does Teenshealth.

Teach us to respect values and decisions about sexuality. Most of us have a pretty clear idea of what we’re comfortable with when it comes to sex. However, we’re all trying to fit in and be accepted by our peers, and may feel pressure to change our minds about what we’re comfortable with. It’s important that we know we don’t have to and that we all need to make choices that are good for us. These choices might not be the same choices as our best friend or the classmates we really want to hang out with. You need to remind us how awful it feels to be pressured to change in order to fit in, and so we should never do this to others or force them to do things sexually that they don’t want to.

Talk to us about media pressure. Advertising is highly sexualized and the media is often telling us that we need to be too if we want to be happy, successful and popular. There’s nothing wrong with us exploring our sexuality, but only if it’s in ways we’re comfortable with; the pressure we feel from the media often pushes us outside this comfort zone (Media Awareness Network). The problem is, it’s often hard to step back and see why we feel we need to act in a certain way and how the media affects us. It’s important that you tell us about media pressure, teach us how to recognize it, and reinforce that going along with the things it tells us to do won’t necessarily make us happier. In fact, engaging in sexual behaviour that we’re not comfortable with or ready for can make us pretty miserable.

Have some resources on hand. No matter how knowledgeable you are about sexuality, it can be hard for us to approach you for information because you’re our parents (awkward!). It’s really important that we know we can talk to you and ask you questions, but it’s also a really good idea for you to provide us with resources so we can learn about sexuality and everything that comes with it in a private and comfortable environment. There are a lot of great books and websites written for us about the many aspects of sexuality (see the links section at the end of this fact sheet).

Use opportunities to talk about sexuality as they come up. If you’re watching television with us and something concerning sexuality comes up, talk to us about it. Opportunities like these allow you to check in with us and give us a chance to ask you about something we might be wondering about.

Sexual health

You might not want us to have sex (ever!), but some of us are going to. It’s really important that we know about birth control and STI prevention options so that we can have safe and healthy experiences. Spiderbytes, Sexualityandu, Planned Parenthood and the Public Health Agency of Canada are all great sexual health resources which we should know about.

Despite our best efforts, things don’t always go according to plan. Some of us may contract an STI or get pregnant. If we come to you in these situations, know that we’re probably really scared and feel like we’ve disappointed you. What we need the most is for you to comfort us, help us figure out our options, and support us in whatever decision we make about what to do. This last point is especially important since we probably feel like we’ve lost a lot of control over our lives because of this situation – being able to decide what to do next and be supported in this really helps us regain some of this control.

For those of us living in smaller communities where everybody knows everyone else, we often feel like we can’t seek information or help from the resources in the community because of the risk of someone seeing us and therefore spreading rumours. If this is the case, your support is even more important.

Sexual orientation and gender identity

Just like we’re being introduced to the idea of sex earlier and earlier, we’re also coming to terms with our sexual orientations and gender identities at younger ages these days. For those of you who are out of the loop, our sexual orientations determine who we are sexually attracted to (guys, girls or both). Our gender identity is which gender we identify as being (a guy, girl or something in-between); it’s often the same as our biological sex, but not always! Read up about all of this on our GLBTQ fact sheet.

If we come to you and tell you that we are gay or identifying as a gender different from our biological sex, we’ve probably thought long and hard about all of it. For many of us, the first moment is terrifying when we realize that we just might have a different sexual orientation and/or gender identity from most of the population. It takes some of us awhile to be okay with being different. Some of us are able to accept our difference right away, but know that the rest of the world is probably not going to be as nonchalant. The rates of discrimination and violence against gay and transgender people are much higher than for heterosexual people (Statistics Canada). The fact that we’re coming out anyway means that it has become more distressing for us to pretend to be something we’re not, than to try and fit in and avoid being a target of homophobia and/or transphobia.

All this being said, we really need you in our corner. Being gay or transgender is just as innate and natural as being born with brown hair or freckles. It has nothing to do with how you raised us or who we hang out with. We know it might take you awhile to come to terms with the fact that we’re gay or transgender – after all, many of us had to take a lot of time before we could admit it to ourselves and accept it. We’re really hoping you can support us; we know you’re worried because our lives have the potential to be harder and more dangerous than a straight person or someone whose gender matches up with their sex. We’re worried too, but it’s more painful to lie to ourselves and suppress a huge part of our identity. If we have you backing us up, we’re going to be better equipped for all the struggles the world is going to throw at us, and we’re going to come out on top.

Conclusion

We know talking to us about sexuality can be tough, but things might get a bit ugly if you don’t. Hopefully this fact sheet and all the resources we link to will help make the process a little less painful.

Talking to us about sex

Sexual health

Sexual orientation and gender identity

Conclusion

Links